My Sons Father is Dead.

Well, so he has gone to the great palace in the sky. My sons dad committed suicide Xmas day night and I got a heartbreaking phone call from his girlfriend whom I am very fond of and my world spun out of control. I always knew that he was depressed and has attempted suicide in the past. I tried so hard to get him help but he was not interested. I have known this man for 14 years and we have not been together for at least 12 of those. He committed atrocious acts against me in that time and never wanted to know his son until a couple of years ago and that was largely due to his girlfriend. I did not trust him and I haboured alot of hatred against him. I am not angry that he committed suicide (I have been in that place many times), I am angry that I spent 15 years dealing with 3 mental illnesses, tonnes of meds, therapy and hospital admissions all so I could be a better parent and stay alive long enough to start feeling better. He obviously did not feel that way and when I look at my beautiful son I wonder how he could not at least tried to lessen his suffering by getting the help he needed? My mother asked that I let my anger go. It cannot do me any good so in sympathy with that thought -

Rest in Peace Ismal, I loved you once - enough to create our beautiful son....... May God be with you and I have forgiven you.


God give me strength.

Peace at Xmas

Here we are - Xmas 2009. It has come upon us as quickly as ever and as usual it gives us a reminder of sacrifice, goodwill and being true to oneself. It also reminds us of family and the not so fortunate - animal and human alike and binds us for one day in the celebration of the birth of Jesus and all he represented. Let us remember that we humans are not infallible nor are we immortal and the earth does not belong to any one species. We are guests on this amazing fragile planet so I will in great reverence and humility give thanks for all that mother earth has provided for myself and my family and hope that I am worthy to receive it again in the years to come. Good luck and good fortune to all out there, especially to all those who are lost and cannot find their way. I will pray for you. Merry Xmas and celebrate life!!

The Demon Run

I am on a freight train of mortality. I am wise enough now to understand the gravity of feeling well, or, what I imagine it feels like. I constantly dream of flying, trekking lush mountains, skimming across the top of the white crested oceans and opening my eyes after a long, life-giving sleep and feeling bliss. One might think these dreams are liberating, a portent of things to come. Not so. I wake feeling such painful longing, deep sadness, irrational grief and gut-wrenching fear. It is supernatural in its intensity as I feel my body attacking itself, in chaos ripping itself apart. I have no control now. I have to leave it to the professionals to make some sense of all this illness. I do not feel entirely powerless over the course of action I am prepared to take. I know that the universe is on my side and the unshakable belief that since I have been this sick, I have attracted a guardian. Unseen, untouchable but protector nonetheless. This is the first time in all these frightening years that I have felt this protector. It is a sign. So I shall breathe with peace and purpose, even if I feel none and be thankful for all that I am and have. Time is marked by my baby Coco dog as she sits at our back door, melting into the night as her coat matches the darkness. Forever vigilant, protecting her mistress and guiding her home with the navigation of the moon. I know who my unseen protector is. It is in the wise eyes of my supernatural dog. Her eyes that occasionally rest on me and say "I know you more than you have ever been known, I love you unconditionally and I will protect you to the death". Maybe I have loved her before. She is the talisman that is my protection against all that is death and evil. Welcome to the Demon Run.

Final Showdown

I am faced with a difficult and somewhat terrifying situation. It is a remote possibility that my dysfunctional thyroid could explain alot of my mental health issues. What I don't understand is why this was never explored with more depth. Surely, if your thyroid doesn't look normal, then you would assume that it is not behaving normally. I have felt physically ill for about 3 years on and off and it has always been put down to stress or mental health, or, lack thereof. The hardest part is waiting for the answers and the what ifs? So I press on and bear the symptoms, try and find a comfortable place in my mind and await the inevitable. God give me strength.

Surgery and the protection of loved ones

Well I am looking at having to have surgery on my thyroid. My poor little thyroid which isn't so little anymore has to have bit of intervention. I have an auto immune disease which causes cysts and nodules over a cm in diameter (in me) which is quite large for a little organ. I am desperately trying to avoid a thyroidectomy but we will wait and see what the surgeon says. I am fascinated by the science of auto immune and am looking at the outcome clinically. It prevents me from feeling and being overwhelmed. One day at a time. On a more scary note(!) we were woken at 4.30 this morning by my baby chihuahua barking and crying her head off. It was the most terrifying sound I have ever heard. It sounded like a child. My blood ran ice cold and I couldn't breathe. I pushed my poor partner out of bed screaming like a banshee saying "Help her, help her, please honey help her! I continued to yell out to her while my partner and I stumbled down the stairs. My poor son was awake by this stage and he ran down with us. Coco, my ever beautiful, courageous and fiercely scary dog had cornered the next door neighbours cat in the living room! The cat is the same size. We had to restrain the dog and release the cat outside. Bloody hell. IT is situations like that reinforce how protective I am of my family and that I am definitely driven by a tidal wave of instincts. My reaction was not proactive, I completely panicked and ran blindly into the situation. I am worried that I may do the same if I thought my son was in trouble. I am shocked by the way I behaved. Despite my deficits I have always been good in a crisis. Maybe I am starting to let out some of my fear and not storing it up all the time. Maybe I am learning how to be scared and not think that it will kill me. Tell me a scary story and how you dealt with it.

Living truth

I spend most of my life attempting to be true to myself and everyone around me. Why do I always feel like such a fake? I seek truth on my illness, my identity, my value system, my allegiance to my own kind and my role as a parent. I have been told that everyone questions this at some time in their lives but that notion does not alleviate the hollowness and persistent, painful and terrifying notion that I am missing something very important. The innate comfort of knowing that I am human. You could argue that my mental heath history sets the mood for delusional and irrational behaviour and I don't disagree, however, doesn't everyone have their human foundations shaken once in a while? Mental health is not exclusive nor is it uncommon yet it is often overlooked. If you tell people you have cancer, you immediately get the understanding and the empathy. You are seen as a fighter of the cause. If you tell people that you are mentally ill, there is more of a delayed reaction and a resounding "Ohhhh. I'm so sorry". End of discussion. People don't ask about treatment, duration of the illness or how it came about. When are we getting our ribbon? HIV and cancer have one that I know of. Lets face it, mental illness can be terminal just like those nasty illnesses. When are we getting our pink lights on Aussie icons and pretty flowers sold to raise awareness and funds? I know we keep talking about it but mental illness can be just as devastating on families and communities as any of the terminal illnesses. When will our country stop being scared of it and face it head on? I know it is better now than a few years ago. When I was diagnosed there was very little support outside of the therapists office. We have to keep pushing it out there and shine the spotlight on our skills rather than our deficits. I have met some amazing, really unwell people. We truly have a gift. No one quite sees the world like we do.

What do you think?

Fragile, resilient life

I watched a beautiful, golden spider the size of my fingernail this morning crawl along my clothesline. The great thing about the natural world is its' ability to fundamentally behave in its' place. There is no such thing as ego, greed, analysis or the need to conquer unnecessarily. There is no mental illness, the need to manipulate or cause fear. That spider has more integrity, more willingness to live and to create life than I do. It kills to eat, no more no less. It will create an amazing out of this world web that I, as a moronic human being have no hope of creating and it will have no negative impact on its environment as I will have on mine. Physically I have more chance of surviving than this brave spider, yet it will defend itself to the death and spend its existence looking for a mate and carrying on its superb genetic material with very few flaws. I wish that I had half of its resilience and the fundamental, evolutionary understanding of why I exist and where I fit in in the ecosystem. The natural world has been the only entity that has ever taught me humility. It is the only thing that does not cause anxiety, make me angry or leave me hollow. Humanity does. What do you think? A shout out to my favorite naturalist, mentor and mover and shaker, Sir David Attenborough.

Bit Preoccupied

Morning. Been feeling pretty crappy last few days. My thyroid has been playing up and I am on a new pill to help relieve the symptoms of endometriosis and adenomysis. One lesson I have learned is that no matter what doctors say, if you know something is wrong push it until you get an answer and a doctor who will listen. For the last three years I have thought that with my mental health history, it was all in my head because most doctors basically inferred that this was the case. All it took was one great gynaecologist with the willingness to look past my illness and concentrate on the symptoms. He also noticed how swollen my thyroid was. Although, to be fair, I had an ultrasound for my thyroid about two years ago through my GP whom I have been seeing for 9 years. He noticed cysts just by looking at my neck. I have not been treated for it as it was bearable until now. I am on the path to getting a result for my thyroid too. I have thyroid function tests within range so it can be difficult diagnosis. On a totally different note, the American elections have started and I pray with all my heart that we have a win for Obama. I have a great feeling about this man and I think he may be able to teach us all something. Come on all Americans, make a change for all of us!!!! Anyway, take your health seriously and find someone who will listen to you. Over and out.

My boy is growing up.

Parenting is hard whether you are sick or not. Earlier on in my original diagnosis, I worried about my capacity to raise a healthy child and whether the government would step in and take him away. I have spent alot of time in hospital with mothers who had had their children removed from the home due to safety concerns or signs of neglect. It was so evident that these mothers loved their children with primal instinct. They just couldn't express it in a healthy way. As was my situation. The difference was that I completely neglected myself as I only had enough energy to feed, clothe and bathe my son. So my beautiful boy grew up with a delusional, unstable, angry and fiercely protective mother. I was alive as long as I could provide for my son. I vowed that if I ever hurt my son, I would find him safe haven and kill myself. I would not perpetrate all the terror I myself experienced as a child. I would rather die. My son is the reason why I am still here. I am so grateful for his wonderful innocence, vitality, optimism and sense of humour. He is 13 now and nearly as tall as me with his broad shoulders and large feet. He is beautiful and I am so, so, so proud of him. I love you babe. You rock!

New Diagnosis at 34

After 5 years of relative stillness and moderately good mental health, I was thrown into the twilight zone. I was admitted last year into a psychiatric hospital that I am all too familiar with. What happened? How did it go so wrong so quickly? It had been 5 years since I had been admitted previously and I remember vehemently swearing to myself that it would be the last time. I had weaned myself off Olanzapine and Zoloft, met a really great guy, raised a great son, started my science degree and worked in the Pathology department in a major hospital. I was on the fast track baby! I don't know if I was content or peaceful but I felt happy, I think. Unfortunately, I can't really trust that now because it all fell apart at a catastrophic rate. I still have my wonderful partner and my beautiful son but everything else was taken away - my freedom, my intellect, my ability to cope, my trust in myself. At 34 I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed at 21 with Borderline Personality Disorder and Schizoeffective disorder as well as anxiety disorders. I spent many years in and out of hospital and took enough medication to kill a horse. I was also a single mother for most of it and am eternally grateful for the support of my father who did his best to look after my son and support me. Imagine my grief at being diagnosed bipolar so much later in life after already battling for so long. So the Borderline has resurfaced, the anxiety has come back with a vengeance and I truly struggle with "Why am I here" and "Who the hell am I". I deal with this by being grateful even if I don't feel it, bring God and the universe into my life, pat my dog, kiss my partner and gloat over the wonderful job my hard-working son did on his report card. I am not a naturally optimistic person. I am a cynic and a pessimist as well as being inherently terrified of humanity. I love nature and what the earth represents. This teaches me humility and light and this is what matters when so much of your existence is spent in terrifying darkness. What gets you through the day? I would love to hear it.

Mental Health Revolution

Hi Everyone! Its great to start something new and with invaluable help from my son I have created my first blog! Lets start talking - mentally ill and mentally healthy alike because we are all in this together, no matter how isolated we might feel. Lets keep fighting the good fight and to all the precious carers out there, I salute you!