My Sons Father is Dead.

Well, so he has gone to the great palace in the sky. My sons dad committed suicide Xmas day night and I got a heartbreaking phone call from his girlfriend whom I am very fond of and my world spun out of control. I always knew that he was depressed and has attempted suicide in the past. I tried so hard to get him help but he was not interested. I have known this man for 14 years and we have not been together for at least 12 of those. He committed atrocious acts against me in that time and never wanted to know his son until a couple of years ago and that was largely due to his girlfriend. I did not trust him and I haboured alot of hatred against him. I am not angry that he committed suicide (I have been in that place many times), I am angry that I spent 15 years dealing with 3 mental illnesses, tonnes of meds, therapy and hospital admissions all so I could be a better parent and stay alive long enough to start feeling better. He obviously did not feel that way and when I look at my beautiful son I wonder how he could not at least tried to lessen his suffering by getting the help he needed? My mother asked that I let my anger go. It cannot do me any good so in sympathy with that thought -

Rest in Peace Ismal, I loved you once - enough to create our beautiful son....... May God be with you and I have forgiven you.


God give me strength.

Peace at Xmas

Here we are - Xmas 2009. It has come upon us as quickly as ever and as usual it gives us a reminder of sacrifice, goodwill and being true to oneself. It also reminds us of family and the not so fortunate - animal and human alike and binds us for one day in the celebration of the birth of Jesus and all he represented. Let us remember that we humans are not infallible nor are we immortal and the earth does not belong to any one species. We are guests on this amazing fragile planet so I will in great reverence and humility give thanks for all that mother earth has provided for myself and my family and hope that I am worthy to receive it again in the years to come. Good luck and good fortune to all out there, especially to all those who are lost and cannot find their way. I will pray for you. Merry Xmas and celebrate life!!

The Demon Run

I am on a freight train of mortality. I am wise enough now to understand the gravity of feeling well, or, what I imagine it feels like. I constantly dream of flying, trekking lush mountains, skimming across the top of the white crested oceans and opening my eyes after a long, life-giving sleep and feeling bliss. One might think these dreams are liberating, a portent of things to come. Not so. I wake feeling such painful longing, deep sadness, irrational grief and gut-wrenching fear. It is supernatural in its intensity as I feel my body attacking itself, in chaos ripping itself apart. I have no control now. I have to leave it to the professionals to make some sense of all this illness. I do not feel entirely powerless over the course of action I am prepared to take. I know that the universe is on my side and the unshakable belief that since I have been this sick, I have attracted a guardian. Unseen, untouchable but protector nonetheless. This is the first time in all these frightening years that I have felt this protector. It is a sign. So I shall breathe with peace and purpose, even if I feel none and be thankful for all that I am and have. Time is marked by my baby Coco dog as she sits at our back door, melting into the night as her coat matches the darkness. Forever vigilant, protecting her mistress and guiding her home with the navigation of the moon. I know who my unseen protector is. It is in the wise eyes of my supernatural dog. Her eyes that occasionally rest on me and say "I know you more than you have ever been known, I love you unconditionally and I will protect you to the death". Maybe I have loved her before. She is the talisman that is my protection against all that is death and evil. Welcome to the Demon Run.

Final Showdown

I am faced with a difficult and somewhat terrifying situation. It is a remote possibility that my dysfunctional thyroid could explain alot of my mental health issues. What I don't understand is why this was never explored with more depth. Surely, if your thyroid doesn't look normal, then you would assume that it is not behaving normally. I have felt physically ill for about 3 years on and off and it has always been put down to stress or mental health, or, lack thereof. The hardest part is waiting for the answers and the what ifs? So I press on and bear the symptoms, try and find a comfortable place in my mind and await the inevitable. God give me strength.