Surgery and the protection of loved ones

Well I am looking at having to have surgery on my thyroid. My poor little thyroid which isn't so little anymore has to have bit of intervention. I have an auto immune disease which causes cysts and nodules over a cm in diameter (in me) which is quite large for a little organ. I am desperately trying to avoid a thyroidectomy but we will wait and see what the surgeon says. I am fascinated by the science of auto immune and am looking at the outcome clinically. It prevents me from feeling and being overwhelmed. One day at a time. On a more scary note(!) we were woken at 4.30 this morning by my baby chihuahua barking and crying her head off. It was the most terrifying sound I have ever heard. It sounded like a child. My blood ran ice cold and I couldn't breathe. I pushed my poor partner out of bed screaming like a banshee saying "Help her, help her, please honey help her! I continued to yell out to her while my partner and I stumbled down the stairs. My poor son was awake by this stage and he ran down with us. Coco, my ever beautiful, courageous and fiercely scary dog had cornered the next door neighbours cat in the living room! The cat is the same size. We had to restrain the dog and release the cat outside. Bloody hell. IT is situations like that reinforce how protective I am of my family and that I am definitely driven by a tidal wave of instincts. My reaction was not proactive, I completely panicked and ran blindly into the situation. I am worried that I may do the same if I thought my son was in trouble. I am shocked by the way I behaved. Despite my deficits I have always been good in a crisis. Maybe I am starting to let out some of my fear and not storing it up all the time. Maybe I am learning how to be scared and not think that it will kill me. Tell me a scary story and how you dealt with it.

Living truth

I spend most of my life attempting to be true to myself and everyone around me. Why do I always feel like such a fake? I seek truth on my illness, my identity, my value system, my allegiance to my own kind and my role as a parent. I have been told that everyone questions this at some time in their lives but that notion does not alleviate the hollowness and persistent, painful and terrifying notion that I am missing something very important. The innate comfort of knowing that I am human. You could argue that my mental heath history sets the mood for delusional and irrational behaviour and I don't disagree, however, doesn't everyone have their human foundations shaken once in a while? Mental health is not exclusive nor is it uncommon yet it is often overlooked. If you tell people you have cancer, you immediately get the understanding and the empathy. You are seen as a fighter of the cause. If you tell people that you are mentally ill, there is more of a delayed reaction and a resounding "Ohhhh. I'm so sorry". End of discussion. People don't ask about treatment, duration of the illness or how it came about. When are we getting our ribbon? HIV and cancer have one that I know of. Lets face it, mental illness can be terminal just like those nasty illnesses. When are we getting our pink lights on Aussie icons and pretty flowers sold to raise awareness and funds? I know we keep talking about it but mental illness can be just as devastating on families and communities as any of the terminal illnesses. When will our country stop being scared of it and face it head on? I know it is better now than a few years ago. When I was diagnosed there was very little support outside of the therapists office. We have to keep pushing it out there and shine the spotlight on our skills rather than our deficits. I have met some amazing, really unwell people. We truly have a gift. No one quite sees the world like we do.

What do you think?

Fragile, resilient life

I watched a beautiful, golden spider the size of my fingernail this morning crawl along my clothesline. The great thing about the natural world is its' ability to fundamentally behave in its' place. There is no such thing as ego, greed, analysis or the need to conquer unnecessarily. There is no mental illness, the need to manipulate or cause fear. That spider has more integrity, more willingness to live and to create life than I do. It kills to eat, no more no less. It will create an amazing out of this world web that I, as a moronic human being have no hope of creating and it will have no negative impact on its environment as I will have on mine. Physically I have more chance of surviving than this brave spider, yet it will defend itself to the death and spend its existence looking for a mate and carrying on its superb genetic material with very few flaws. I wish that I had half of its resilience and the fundamental, evolutionary understanding of why I exist and where I fit in in the ecosystem. The natural world has been the only entity that has ever taught me humility. It is the only thing that does not cause anxiety, make me angry or leave me hollow. Humanity does. What do you think? A shout out to my favorite naturalist, mentor and mover and shaker, Sir David Attenborough.

Bit Preoccupied

Morning. Been feeling pretty crappy last few days. My thyroid has been playing up and I am on a new pill to help relieve the symptoms of endometriosis and adenomysis. One lesson I have learned is that no matter what doctors say, if you know something is wrong push it until you get an answer and a doctor who will listen. For the last three years I have thought that with my mental health history, it was all in my head because most doctors basically inferred that this was the case. All it took was one great gynaecologist with the willingness to look past my illness and concentrate on the symptoms. He also noticed how swollen my thyroid was. Although, to be fair, I had an ultrasound for my thyroid about two years ago through my GP whom I have been seeing for 9 years. He noticed cysts just by looking at my neck. I have not been treated for it as it was bearable until now. I am on the path to getting a result for my thyroid too. I have thyroid function tests within range so it can be difficult diagnosis. On a totally different note, the American elections have started and I pray with all my heart that we have a win for Obama. I have a great feeling about this man and I think he may be able to teach us all something. Come on all Americans, make a change for all of us!!!! Anyway, take your health seriously and find someone who will listen to you. Over and out.