Psychosomatic.....

I am Alice in Wonderland. I am in the Twilight Zone. I am in a parallel universe. There is no explanation for the terrifying, debilitating physical illness that I have suffered in the last 5 years. I have had blood tests, sleep studies, MRI's, CT scans, biopsies, chinese medicine and changed my diet many times. I have been on months of hospital strength analgeasics and admitted into hospital for severe abdominal pain and vomiting for no apparent reason.

I have fallen unconscious walking and cut my face up......no epilepsy, no narcolepsy no bloody anything. I have lost total muscle control at work and had to be taken to emergency. So many unexplained, traumatic phenomena. The only thing i do know is that I have a mental health history and a goiter(enlarged thyroid). So after 4 years of relative excellent mental health, I then drop the bundle, lose my mind and am diagnosed in hospital with Bipolar. So I take the lithium and got to therapy like a good mentally ill person does and I attempt to get better. Meanwhile the physical symptoms, over the years, get worse and worse to the point that I can barely function. They are the same symptoms all the time with ones that come and go.

My therapists are stumped. They believe that it is physical. I do not show criteria that is symptomatic of hypochondria, psychosomatic, munchhausens (by proxy, I think it is), eating disorders, three-legged badger disorder or even bipolar. Hah!! Figure that one. A mood disorder, yes. But bipolar? Not sure. Not 100%. So they treat me well and take care of me......they are the only ones who are trying to help me nut all this out.

So after 10 years of fighting Borderline personality disorder with treatment, therapy and many hospitalisations, I am now to believe that it was all in vain? That after all that WORK I am no further ahead even though in the last 5 years I met a great guy, held down a great job, got into university, became a better parent, a better friend, a happier person? Even though I was sick alot physically and had your usual stresses in life, I felt better in the head.

It leaves me with the fundamental fact that something so insidious, conniving and machiavellian has been bubbling away in the recesses of what I considered to be a healthy mind. So covert that not even my therapists can see it, and believe me they ain't stupid.

I could not trust my body and now I cannot trust my mind........where does that leave me?