Stigma No More: Greysteppenwolf's Singapore Mental Health blog: Borderline Personality Disorder

Stigma No More: Greysteppenwolf's Singapore Mental Health blog: Borderline Personality Disorder


Hi there, thanks for this post, very informative........I was dx borderline Personality Disorder 15 years ago........any other info on your stats in Singapore? I would be interested......

Cheers,

Michah

Psychosomatic.....

I am Alice in Wonderland. I am in the Twilight Zone. I am in a parallel universe. There is no explanation for the terrifying, debilitating physical illness that I have suffered in the last 5 years. I have had blood tests, sleep studies, MRI's, CT scans, biopsies, chinese medicine and changed my diet many times. I have been on months of hospital strength analgeasics and admitted into hospital for severe abdominal pain and vomiting for no apparent reason.

I have fallen unconscious walking and cut my face up......no epilepsy, no narcolepsy no bloody anything. I have lost total muscle control at work and had to be taken to emergency. So many unexplained, traumatic phenomena. The only thing i do know is that I have a mental health history and a goiter(enlarged thyroid). So after 4 years of relative excellent mental health, I then drop the bundle, lose my mind and am diagnosed in hospital with Bipolar. So I take the lithium and got to therapy like a good mentally ill person does and I attempt to get better. Meanwhile the physical symptoms, over the years, get worse and worse to the point that I can barely function. They are the same symptoms all the time with ones that come and go.

My therapists are stumped. They believe that it is physical. I do not show criteria that is symptomatic of hypochondria, psychosomatic, munchhausens (by proxy, I think it is), eating disorders, three-legged badger disorder or even bipolar. Hah!! Figure that one. A mood disorder, yes. But bipolar? Not sure. Not 100%. So they treat me well and take care of me......they are the only ones who are trying to help me nut all this out.

So after 10 years of fighting Borderline personality disorder with treatment, therapy and many hospitalisations, I am now to believe that it was all in vain? That after all that WORK I am no further ahead even though in the last 5 years I met a great guy, held down a great job, got into university, became a better parent, a better friend, a happier person? Even though I was sick alot physically and had your usual stresses in life, I felt better in the head.

It leaves me with the fundamental fact that something so insidious, conniving and machiavellian has been bubbling away in the recesses of what I considered to be a healthy mind. So covert that not even my therapists can see it, and believe me they ain't stupid.

I could not trust my body and now I cannot trust my mind........where does that leave me?

Small Country

Analogy at 4 o'clock this morning........I am a small African or South American country(no offense but these guys seem to have the worst time). My mind is El Presidente and my body consists of the landscape, the people, the rebels and the government advisors.

My country has experienced bloodshed, corruption and attempted political coups for 10 years(mental illness). I as a loving, peaceful president work extremely hard to restore order, nearly killing myself in the process. I wish to be rid of the rebels and the corruption and allow my people to live in peace. I achieve this and my country lives in relative prosperity for 4 years.

Underneath this facade is a malignancy that is epic in its proportions........it is building momentum......my advisors get more and more vocal regarding the impending storm till the point that they are screaming at me. Because of my mistrust due to all the corruption over the years, I do not listen to my advisors even though their fear is palpable. My hesitancy has cost me.......the rebels(thyroid disorder) are on the rise and strike with such force that I can barely hold them off........their actions have not only destabilised the country, but all the good people of the communities cannot function as well due to their actions.

The rebels have slowly and methodically destroyed the landscape, pillaging whatever goodness remained in the fertile soil and terrified the crap out of all that was left to help the country......

El Presidente seeks the advice of the UN(the doctors)........she pleads to the esteemed, all-knowing specialists in world affairs to help her country.......she is sorry that she did not listen to her advisors........but she couldn't be sure of their intentions. The UN panel of superhumans are cloaked in shadows and confer in whispers and El Presidente cowers at their feet.......she is almost pleading for mercy and assistance so that they may save her country and her life. There is dissension......some agree........ some say "But you have had bloodshed, corruption and destabilisation for 10 years........what makes this any different".

I plead my case again...and again.....and again........on my knees......

The Dark Side

It is dark and still. I cannot see the moon and i am only aware of the small cricket noises outside and the sound of my fridge.

I cannot sleep and the familiar, if not regular, feeling of urgency comes over me. My heart beats strongly and peacefully, letting me know that I am alive.

Borderline has taken much and given much. The most memorable is the all-consuming rage and my understanding of the "hunt". The prowl.

I am a werewolf, a vampire, a demon. I travel through my city on comfortably padded paws and feel ultimately powerful. I am superhuman and care not for humanity, for all its love and compassion and forgiveness. I take what I need and feel no remorse.

I also live with God. My werewolf and my God have been in tremendous battles over the years and ultimately my God has won.

I know you, werewolf. You are as familiar as the rising of the sun and the tides in the ocean. I have a close eye on where you reside and know how addictive and alluring you are. But I am not beholden to you anymore.

I will not be taken to the dark side. Welcome to the Demon run.

Success

How do you measure success? My measure of success rests on my ability to survive. I wonder sometimes what I am missing and crave the the things I do not have. My partner has a much broader maybe healthier veiw on success. He talks of savings, holidays and assets. The tools on which you "get ahead" in life.

I have lived with poverty, raised a child single-handedly on a pension, struggled with chronic mental and physical illness and sacrificed a life I might have had had I been born different. I am not bitter anymore but sometimes my deficits bite me and I feel desperately hopeless and useless. So my measure of success is based on the fact that I have a healthy 14 year old, a partner that loves me for WHO I am, a lovely dog whom I treat and love like my own child and a two-level rental townhouse. Doesn't take much to impress me.

I do not drive, I don't like pools, I don't like socialising, I don't like heights, I don't like fools and I hate confrontation. But part of me loves where I am. I don't want to stay here forever, but I am content to be here for now. There is no point trying to fight it or make sense of it. I did not always feel this way. I have spent my life bucking the system, or butting heads like some overzealous mountain goat and I am tired. I cannot do it anymore.

This is my lesson......the universe has forced my hand and said " If you will not understand what I am trying to teach you, then I will strip you bare so you can have a close, somewhat perverted look at yourself. You may not like what you see but you must go through the painful process of birth so you can LIVE .......like you want to. BE PREPARED!!!!!"

I don't know how I can help my partner to see what I do. He struggles spiritually with our financial hardship and I don't blame him. I hate the heartbreaking idea that every week he has to sit with his head in his hands, a sick feeling in his stomach and the choice of what bills to pay, do we have enough to eat and........"How much longer can I do this for? We have no savings, no house, no anything!! What have I become and where am I going?" Is that right, honey? Well, I love you.

I cling on to the fleeting but reassuring and fundamental idea that this is all for a reason. I am sick of hardship and desperation but without the notion of a universal "get out of jail free card"(providing you put the effort in), I might as well throw myself off a cliff. There has to be a reason for living beyond what earthly possessions you acquire or there would be no logical reason for me to go on. I cannot measure my success by the standards of other people. If I do that I would be filled with envy and jealousy and I would probably go mad.

I don't know what the answer is.......I just want to live with stillness and become loving of all that is difficult, insane, traumatic and nasty. I want to give up all that I know that is dangerous and deathly and replace it with flashes of divine love. I must live without to achieve this or I will go through the rest of my life repeating the same spiritual atrocities.

Wish me luck........

Intellectual and Spiritual Impotency

Well, I am stuck. Words are not flowing and ideas are stagnant. Before Xmas I had a better idea of which direction I was going in and felt a lot more peaceful than I did at the beginning of the year. My sons fathers death kind of threw me and all my intelligence just dried up. I am unfocused and I cannot concentrate. I am also really tired - more tired than usual and everything makes me slightly angry. Nature makes me cry more than ever and I cannot be bothered socialising at all. I guess I am grieving in a angry, hollow, very unspiritual way. Funny that, considering we were far from being friends and I cannot count the times that I wished he would drop dead. Be careful what you wish for! The Universe was definitely listening and displayed its true awesome power that day. I'm not sad that he is dead, I am just sad that he had to die. I spend all my life trying to discover my "true potential". He obviously didn't feel that he deserved his true potential or that it was to scary and maybe he wouldn't know what to do with it if he found it. Hell, I don't know either! I guess I've got that "keep going" button, even if I am terrified. Maybe thats what made us different and unable to communicate. Who knows.........I am going to let it go and, UNIVERSE, PLEASE GIVE ME BACK MY MOJO!!!!

My Sons Father is Dead.

Well, so he has gone to the great palace in the sky. My sons dad committed suicide Xmas day night and I got a heartbreaking phone call from his girlfriend whom I am very fond of and my world spun out of control. I always knew that he was depressed and has attempted suicide in the past. I tried so hard to get him help but he was not interested. I have known this man for 14 years and we have not been together for at least 12 of those. He committed atrocious acts against me in that time and never wanted to know his son until a couple of years ago and that was largely due to his girlfriend. I did not trust him and I haboured alot of hatred against him. I am not angry that he committed suicide (I have been in that place many times), I am angry that I spent 15 years dealing with 3 mental illnesses, tonnes of meds, therapy and hospital admissions all so I could be a better parent and stay alive long enough to start feeling better. He obviously did not feel that way and when I look at my beautiful son I wonder how he could not at least tried to lessen his suffering by getting the help he needed? My mother asked that I let my anger go. It cannot do me any good so in sympathy with that thought -

Rest in Peace Ismal, I loved you once - enough to create our beautiful son....... May God be with you and I have forgiven you.


God give me strength.