Livial.....The diary part 1.

Since starting this new HRT, I have mixed feelings. I know that I have to take it for 3 months to get the full effect of the drug, and to determine whether it is going to help. At the moment, I have sore muscles, rage spikes, and terrible fatigue. In saying that, my mood seems better and I will be interested to see how it effects my hormone levels long-term.

Livial is an interesting medication in a class of its own. Livial tablets contain the active ingredient Tibolone, which is a synthetic steroid medicine used for HRT. It mimics the activity of the female sex hormones oestrogen, progesterone and the androgen testosterone in the body(netdoctor-http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/100001519.html). It is said to have less risk of the possibility of breast cancer, with all the goodies of the traditional HRT in relieving the symptoms of hormone changes.

Of course, there are risks in taking any medication and the risks of blood clots, stroke, spotting etc. are stated very clearly in all information I have accessed. The information does specifically state the risk of breast cancer with all HRT, but one of the reasons I was given it to take for my symptoms was that it was implied that the risk was less with Livial. I don't think that there are any studies just yet on the difference between Livial and other conventional form of HRT. I have not searched deeply enough. And lets face it, do you not take it just because you MAY get breast cancer or stroke? How do you measure your quality of life while not taking something to relieve the symptoms? I would claw my way through concrete to feel better. The honest truth.

Mammograms, breast checks and self-checking regularly are a must. I am a smoker which is probably not a good thing. I have not been able to exercise vigorously for a number of reasons. I am a candidate for a heart attack for sure. I eat well, I take fish oil, I do not drink and I am not giving up my cigarettes for anyone. I have made enough concessions in my life. The exercise is a concern though as my bionic, gym-obsessed mother will testify. I agree with her and thats the path I want to be on. I want to be able to walk for miles without fire in my joints and a terrible feeling of vertigo and weakness. Yep, I got a long way to go.

So, in my second week of taking the Holy Grail, I feel sick in the guts, fuzzy in the head and just a little hesitant. I have to temper physicality with psychology. What is my fevered and terrified mind telling my body about this drug? When even food feels toxic sometimes, it is hard to convince your brain that this med is a GOOD thing. That eventually(hopefully) things will change. I will get my virility back, my brain fog will lift, my spelling skills and memory will come back......and ultimately my IQ will go back to where it was. I will be able to run, climb and stretch. I will be able to feel EMPOWERED.....I will be able to participate without the constant banking of energy with withdrawals outweighing deposits. I will be able to LIVE.

I got high hopes for this little tablet.....don't let me down.

Messages from God?....

I have lived with the diagnosis of perimenopause now for 5 months. I have tried a couple of hormone replacement therapies with negative and positive outcomes. It is hard to say what works....and what doesn't. You just go with "How do I feel today?". Sometimes a decent sleep or a nice bowl of food will do the trick, you say.....but the sleep is elusive and the food feels like lead in your guts. Yep, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy for that is just the beginning.

I have had the most terrifying and amazing dreams due to hormone chaos. These dreams are terribly portentous and have that patina of the supernatural. My lesson? Let go of the rational mind every once in a while. If I do not, I will lose my mind. Who said that this is a "natural part of life", that every woman goes through this natural course? Yeah, right. There is nothing natural about this.

In my dreams, I have had messages from God in the image of a vampire, fumbling seductions of men that look like Botticelli angels only to find that I cannot "get it up" and such nightmares that I have had to fall back to sleep in sweat covered skin with the light on. Apologies for using vulgarities, but peri will strip all pretense bare and my doctor appreciated the fact that I could not reach tumescense. Yep, we had a good laugh about that considering I am a woman. But I am barely that for shamefully, I am impotent.

This is a hard road......but an important one. For I have questioned again my lack of faith and am loving God with trepidation. We are back in love again and with all love comes trust. So He needs to trust me and I need to trust Him. We will get there. I have had a personal message from Him. He has His eye on me.

My name is also Hebrew for "unique to God" or "not another like it"......something like that....well I got goosebumps when I heard that my name is a personal recommendation to God.

Thanks God, it is really good to see you again......I've really missed you.

Stigma No More: Greysteppenwolf's Singapore Mental Health blog: Borderline Personality Disorder

Stigma No More: Greysteppenwolf's Singapore Mental Health blog: Borderline Personality Disorder


Hi there, thanks for this post, very informative........I was dx borderline Personality Disorder 15 years ago........any other info on your stats in Singapore? I would be interested......

Cheers,

Michah

Psychosomatic.....

I am Alice in Wonderland. I am in the Twilight Zone. I am in a parallel universe. There is no explanation for the terrifying, debilitating physical illness that I have suffered in the last 5 years. I have had blood tests, sleep studies, MRI's, CT scans, biopsies, chinese medicine and changed my diet many times. I have been on months of hospital strength analgeasics and admitted into hospital for severe abdominal pain and vomiting for no apparent reason.

I have fallen unconscious walking and cut my face up......no epilepsy, no narcolepsy no bloody anything. I have lost total muscle control at work and had to be taken to emergency. So many unexplained, traumatic phenomena. The only thing i do know is that I have a mental health history and a goiter(enlarged thyroid). So after 4 years of relative excellent mental health, I then drop the bundle, lose my mind and am diagnosed in hospital with Bipolar. So I take the lithium and got to therapy like a good mentally ill person does and I attempt to get better. Meanwhile the physical symptoms, over the years, get worse and worse to the point that I can barely function. They are the same symptoms all the time with ones that come and go.

My therapists are stumped. They believe that it is physical. I do not show criteria that is symptomatic of hypochondria, psychosomatic, munchhausens (by proxy, I think it is), eating disorders, three-legged badger disorder or even bipolar. Hah!! Figure that one. A mood disorder, yes. But bipolar? Not sure. Not 100%. So they treat me well and take care of me......they are the only ones who are trying to help me nut all this out.

So after 10 years of fighting Borderline personality disorder with treatment, therapy and many hospitalisations, I am now to believe that it was all in vain? That after all that WORK I am no further ahead even though in the last 5 years I met a great guy, held down a great job, got into university, became a better parent, a better friend, a happier person? Even though I was sick alot physically and had your usual stresses in life, I felt better in the head.

It leaves me with the fundamental fact that something so insidious, conniving and machiavellian has been bubbling away in the recesses of what I considered to be a healthy mind. So covert that not even my therapists can see it, and believe me they ain't stupid.

I could not trust my body and now I cannot trust my mind........where does that leave me?

Small Country

Analogy at 4 o'clock this morning........I am a small African or South American country(no offense but these guys seem to have the worst time). My mind is El Presidente and my body consists of the landscape, the people, the rebels and the government advisors.

My country has experienced bloodshed, corruption and attempted political coups for 10 years(mental illness). I as a loving, peaceful president work extremely hard to restore order, nearly killing myself in the process. I wish to be rid of the rebels and the corruption and allow my people to live in peace. I achieve this and my country lives in relative prosperity for 4 years.

Underneath this facade is a malignancy that is epic in its proportions........it is building momentum......my advisors get more and more vocal regarding the impending storm till the point that they are screaming at me. Because of my mistrust due to all the corruption over the years, I do not listen to my advisors even though their fear is palpable. My hesitancy has cost me.......the rebels(thyroid disorder) are on the rise and strike with such force that I can barely hold them off........their actions have not only destabilised the country, but all the good people of the communities cannot function as well due to their actions.

The rebels have slowly and methodically destroyed the landscape, pillaging whatever goodness remained in the fertile soil and terrified the crap out of all that was left to help the country......

El Presidente seeks the advice of the UN(the doctors)........she pleads to the esteemed, all-knowing specialists in world affairs to help her country.......she is sorry that she did not listen to her advisors........but she couldn't be sure of their intentions. The UN panel of superhumans are cloaked in shadows and confer in whispers and El Presidente cowers at their feet.......she is almost pleading for mercy and assistance so that they may save her country and her life. There is dissension......some agree........ some say "But you have had bloodshed, corruption and destabilisation for 10 years........what makes this any different".

I plead my case again...and again.....and again........on my knees......

The Dark Side

It is dark and still. I cannot see the moon and i am only aware of the small cricket noises outside and the sound of my fridge.

I cannot sleep and the familiar, if not regular, feeling of urgency comes over me. My heart beats strongly and peacefully, letting me know that I am alive.

Borderline has taken much and given much. The most memorable is the all-consuming rage and my understanding of the "hunt". The prowl.

I am a werewolf, a vampire, a demon. I travel through my city on comfortably padded paws and feel ultimately powerful. I am superhuman and care not for humanity, for all its love and compassion and forgiveness. I take what I need and feel no remorse.

I also live with God. My werewolf and my God have been in tremendous battles over the years and ultimately my God has won.

I know you, werewolf. You are as familiar as the rising of the sun and the tides in the ocean. I have a close eye on where you reside and know how addictive and alluring you are. But I am not beholden to you anymore.

I will not be taken to the dark side. Welcome to the Demon run.

Success

How do you measure success? My measure of success rests on my ability to survive. I wonder sometimes what I am missing and crave the the things I do not have. My partner has a much broader maybe healthier veiw on success. He talks of savings, holidays and assets. The tools on which you "get ahead" in life.

I have lived with poverty, raised a child single-handedly on a pension, struggled with chronic mental and physical illness and sacrificed a life I might have had had I been born different. I am not bitter anymore but sometimes my deficits bite me and I feel desperately hopeless and useless. So my measure of success is based on the fact that I have a healthy 14 year old, a partner that loves me for WHO I am, a lovely dog whom I treat and love like my own child and a two-level rental townhouse. Doesn't take much to impress me.

I do not drive, I don't like pools, I don't like socialising, I don't like heights, I don't like fools and I hate confrontation. But part of me loves where I am. I don't want to stay here forever, but I am content to be here for now. There is no point trying to fight it or make sense of it. I did not always feel this way. I have spent my life bucking the system, or butting heads like some overzealous mountain goat and I am tired. I cannot do it anymore.

This is my lesson......the universe has forced my hand and said " If you will not understand what I am trying to teach you, then I will strip you bare so you can have a close, somewhat perverted look at yourself. You may not like what you see but you must go through the painful process of birth so you can LIVE .......like you want to. BE PREPARED!!!!!"

I don't know how I can help my partner to see what I do. He struggles spiritually with our financial hardship and I don't blame him. I hate the heartbreaking idea that every week he has to sit with his head in his hands, a sick feeling in his stomach and the choice of what bills to pay, do we have enough to eat and........"How much longer can I do this for? We have no savings, no house, no anything!! What have I become and where am I going?" Is that right, honey? Well, I love you.

I cling on to the fleeting but reassuring and fundamental idea that this is all for a reason. I am sick of hardship and desperation but without the notion of a universal "get out of jail free card"(providing you put the effort in), I might as well throw myself off a cliff. There has to be a reason for living beyond what earthly possessions you acquire or there would be no logical reason for me to go on. I cannot measure my success by the standards of other people. If I do that I would be filled with envy and jealousy and I would probably go mad.

I don't know what the answer is.......I just want to live with stillness and become loving of all that is difficult, insane, traumatic and nasty. I want to give up all that I know that is dangerous and deathly and replace it with flashes of divine love. I must live without to achieve this or I will go through the rest of my life repeating the same spiritual atrocities.

Wish me luck........